A FICTIONAL STORY INSPIRED BY REAL PEOPLE, EVENTS, AND FEELINGS
December 17, 2016
So I was gifted a journal today at my baptism and advised to write down my experiences so here I am. Apparently I should be writing this for my “posterity” and should use it to record any important feelings, events, or spiritual promptings.
I figure if I’m writing this with the intention of someone else reading it at some stage I should probably introduce myself first. My name is Adelaide Montgomery. I’m 23 years old. I don’t have a husband or children yet, and today I was baptised into the Mormon Church, AKA the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I met John a few months ago and we started spending time together. When he told me he was a “priest”, I nearly freaked! I was raised in a Catholic family, even being an altar server for a lot of my youth, and priests were supposed to be celibate; married to the church or some such, and John was certainly not that.
The first time the missionaries came over to John’s house, I nearly hid from them. They offered me a Book of Mormon and I told them it was just going to gather dust on the shelf with books that I actually wanted to read. They gave it to me anyway. By the time I saw them the following week, my curiosity about John had kicked in and I’d started to actually read it. It started with the Introduction, wondering what it was about these “Mormons” that had people so up in arms against them. Before I knew it, I had read the first 12 chapters in a week! The Elders’ jaws definitely dropped.
That was 3 months ago and now here we are. John’s been coming to church with me and he just baptised me. Tomorrow I’ll be confirmed in front of everyone. The water was so nice and warm. John was a bit of a sook, and said it was too hot, but I would have stayed in it forever if they let me. I remembered John’s dad’s advice and tied my hair back. I planted my feet perpendicular to John. He put one hand on my back and one on my wrist. Then he said the words and, just as we had practiced, dipped me back and back up again. I’ve never felt so fresh in my life. Best bath ever.
We both got dressed and rejoined the congregation. Talks were given and the closing hymn was sung. Then we went back to John’s for a barbeque.
🖤Addy
December 18, 2016
Today was Sunday. John was late to church this morning and missed my confirmation. John’s dad and some other men of the ward did it without him. It was nice, but the baptism was definitely my favourite part.
🖤Addy
December 27, 2017
It’s been a hot minute since I wrote last. Sorry about that. I’m at a Young Single Adults Convention this week in Melbourne. I’m so excited! There’s so many people here and they’re all my age and I don’t have to mince my words around them like I do my other friends who aren’t members of the church. There’s going to be dances, and game nights, and talent shows, and karaoke, but also skills workshops, and spiritual workshops, and just tons of stuff to do and people to meet!
🖤Addy
January 2, 2018
We’re going home today. What a week! I was talking to a new friend, Ashleigh, about the guys we met—Geez, that sounds so cheesy, like I’m Julia Stiles in a 90s rom-com or something. Anyway basically neither of us met anyone that was going anywhere and she told me about this guy she thought I would like and showed me his profile on Facebook. I sent him a totally awkward message stupid late at night, but get this: He replied! And we’ve been talking non-stop ever since! He did tell me that he’s been recently excommunicated from the church but he’s been working toward re-baptism ever since. Update you later because writing in a moving vehicle is hard.
🖤Addy
April 1, 2018
What better time to update you then WHEN WE GOT ENGAGED?! Addy say what??? Yeah so we’ve been dating pretty solidly for the last couple months. A few days in Ballarat here; a few days in Gippsland there. It’s been a whirlwind for sure. Then he helps me out with moving a friend, takes me to the lake with pizza and just casually asks me to freaking MARRY him! Of course I said yes, so that’s happening.
🖤Addy
June 1, 2019
So, umm, hi. Been a little bit since I wrote…have I told you yet how much I suck at sticking to a journal? Well, I do.
Just a bit of a catch up:
- Douglas and I got married in October. He doesn’t have his temple blessings restored yet so it was just a civil wedding at the chapel, but I didn’t mind because it meant we could have everyone there to witness our marriage.
- Douglas also got re-baptised in December.
- We moved from Ballarat to Gippsland in January.
- I went for my endowment at the temple in May.
- Oh and I’m pregnant.
🖤Addy
July 6, 2019
Connor and Mae, my brother–in-law and his partner, got sealed in the Melbourne temple today. Everyone cried but my tears were different. Everyone else saw them taking a step toward eternal exaltation. I saw things I didn’t and might never have. I was reminded that Douglas and I are still unsealed as much as we want to be, and I saw Connor and Mae’s parents both involved in the ceremony in a way my parents will probably never be. It hurt. Not in a way in which I blame anyone, but it still hurt.
🖤Addy
December 26, 2019
Merry Christmas!
What an exciting time! I’m finally looking as pregnant as I feel. We found out a few months ago that we’re having a little boy. He’s due in February next year, and my dad is flying out from America to meet him! I’m beyond excited. I haven’t seen my dad since Douglas and I got married.
I’ve been feeling a little je ne sais quoi about the birth though. No reason other than I haven’t been through the temple without my little man and these adventures of ours are coming to an end. Not a Finale kind of end, more like a chapter ending, and I’m not sure I’m ready for this chapter to be done. You know when you’re reading a really good book and it ends and it’s a perfect ending and so you’re satisfied, but also you realise that there’s no more left to read of that particular story? Yeah, that.
But with pregnancy ending I get to finally hold my baby in my arms and start a brand new story and that is something I just can’t wait for.
🖤Addy
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February 15, 2020
And this is where Morgan Freeman would narrate “Little did she know that she was both so very wrong and so very right simultaneously and she in fact could definitely wait for what was about to happen.”
Remus William was born on February 2nd after a long induction (3 days) which failed and resulted in an emergency caesarean when progress stalled after 15 hours of labour. I didn’t get the blessing at the hospital before surgery like I wanted because it was the middle of the night and Douglas still hasn’t received his blessings back and no one else was near enough to the hospital to get there in time.
Remy is beautiful and quiet and absolute perfection, but he was jaundiced for his first week which really took a toll on both myself and Douglas, and just as the cherry on top, I keep flashing back to the night he was born. I went to the toilet the other night after feeding him and passing him to Douglas to put him to sleep and I started shivering from the cold and I came back to bed crying and shivering because I couldn’t make it stop. Random videos on Facebook will have a mother holding her newborn child and I’ll start spiraling all over again because I didn’t get that. Remy was several hours old before I got to hold him for the first time. The doctor says this is normal though, and should go away in a few weeks? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.
Adelaide
March 2, 2020
Remus is 1 month old today and we got the news from my dad that he will be holding off on booking flights to visit us until this COVID-19 thing dies down a bit. It’s not bad here or in America, mostly China and Italy, but he doesn’t want to risk it.
Also found out that despite my pleas to keep it, I’ve been released from my calling because I had a baby.
Adelaide
March 21, 2020
Remy got his first round of vaccinations today! Before he was born, we found out that one of the families we sit near in church are anti-vaccination, so since we don’t know if they would be vaccinated or not, but there’s a decent chance that they’re not, we made the decision to stay home for the first 6-8 weeks until Remy could be vaccinated. Well, that was today! We spoke to the doctor and he recommended giving it a week for the vaccination to take effect, but we’ve been given the OK to return to normal activity next week! I can’t wait to show him off!
Adelaide
March 22, 2020
Well that was short-lived. Sco-Mo, the Prime Minister, announced today that among other venues, churches and church services would be shut down nationwide to prevent the spread of the virus. So there goes our plan to return to church this Sunday.
Adelaide
March 29, 2020
And the hits keep coming. Dan Andrews, Premier of Victoria, announced today that the state was being issued a “Stay At Home” order, that is stage 3 lockdown across the state. I guess that means mum won’t be coming this weekend after all. He said two weeks though so that shouldn’t be too bad.
Adelaide
April 30, 2020
Well, it wasn’t two weeks. Douglas returned to work several weeks ago, which means I’m now dealing with Remy by myself. My in-laws decided to go to Queensland in spite of everything and now they’re supposed to be in quarantine. My mum is hours away and I have no friends here so I have no one to lean on. Nobody from church has reached out to me since Remy was born. Nobody’s dropped anything off. Nobody cares. I could disappear tomorrow and nobody would even notice that I was gone. Even if they noticed they would probably forget to do anything about it.
Adelaide
May 9, 2020
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day—my first as a mum—and we’re still in lockdown. I’ve spent most of the day crying. I’ve prayed so much and for so long to just see my mum tomorrow. I don’t need presents. I don’t need special anything. I just need my mum. I’ve been having flashbacks again. Sometimes I imagine throwing Remy when he won’t stop crying. I never have actually done it, but the thought comes barging in whether I want it to or not. I can’t even hold him long during the day. Most of the time I nurse him and then place him on the floor as far from me as I can. I’ve even ignored his cries sometimes because I just can’t bear holding him yet. I’m terrified of being without Doug when he goes to work and as soon as he gets home, I get as far away as I can.
Douglas has to work tomorrow. Not only do I not get the Mother’s Day that I want, but I have to spend it completely alone. Why did I want this? Why did I want to be a mother?
Adelaide
May 11, 2020
I am furious with Dan Andrews right now. It is the literal DAY after Mother’s Day and he’s lifting restrictions.
Douglas did his best. He got up early and cooked breakfast then left mine in the oven to keep warm and filmed himself eating his and making conversation. Then he set up the lounge with a candle and presents and got the heater going and sent me the video so I could pretend I wasn’t completely alone. Remus even slept in and let me have some time for myself.
I had this acquaintance from Melbourne who suffers from insomnia so she’s always awake when I am. Lexie’s her name and she’s listened to all my crap for months. She knew how I was feeling about yesterday so she sent me this care package, including a great big fuzzy blanket.
None of that would have been necessary if Dan had just lifted the lockdown one day early.
Adelaide
May 17, 2020
We were able to participate in a sacrament service for the first time since January today. Douglas is still without his priesthood so while everyone else was having home church with sacrament, we had nothing. We tried to do Come Follow Me, but it always resulted in an argument.
Today we were at his parents’ house. It was really nice and Remy finally got to see his family.
Adelaide
May 30, 2020
Lexie shocked the hell out of me today. She’s started taking lessons with the missionaries!
Adelaide
June 30, 2020
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s back into lockdown we go! Thankfully we were able to visit my mum and sister over the weekend. Who knows when we’ll see them again. Back to no sacrament again. They’re continuing church talks via Zoom though. So that’s something, I guess. I still haven’t had anyone check up on us. No ministering sisters, No ministering brethren—oh but that reminds me. I don’t think I told you, but we used to have the most wonderful family ministering to us all the way up to Remy’s birth. Back in May, Brother Lehss, the EQ President, decided to remove us from their care and replace them with an elderly couple who lives 3 towns over, a 30 minute drive, and who has no vehicle or means of transportation. Just another nail in the coffin showing us how little people in this ward care or think of others…or maybe just how little they think of us.
Adelaide
July 14, 2020
Douglas lost his job today. It’s bittersweet for us. He was unhappy there and being bullied, but the income was necessary. On the other hand, because of the ongoing lockdown, it’s a beneficial time to be on the dole and will give us the opportunity to switch roles so he can stay home and care for our son while I get out and away from everything and get back to work.
Adelaide
November 15, 2020
Sorry that I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve been really struggling. That lockdown lasted over 100 days. The worst of it was in the city but we still had heavy restrictions for most of it in regional Victoria. I had started to have suicidal thoughts during the first lockdown and they haven’t stopped. Nobody from church has reached out to me since Remy was born nearly 10 months ago. I’ve stopped praying. I’ve stopped reading my scriptures. It just all seems so pointless. I don’t want to go but I don’t know how to come back. Everyone just says “oh just do it” like it’s that easy. Maybe for some it is, but for me it’s not. I feel so lost, so alone, so unloved. I’ve said to Douglas, What did I do in the premortal life to convince Heavenly Father that I could handle this? Because I can’t.
Still no priesthood for Douglas. Not that he’s done anything wrong. The Bishop just didn’t know what he was supposed to do and lack of being face-to-face has slowed the process even more.
The flashbacks have stopped, but the feelings are still very much there.
I spoke to a doctor today. She was really understanding and gave me a referral to a perinatal psychologist in the region. Unfortunately, she’s all booked out for the rest of the year and I’ve been put on a waiting list for when she opens her availability for next year.
Adelaide
December 1, 2020
Douglas and I have been working on our communication a lot lately and the suicidal thoughts seem to be taking a break. I also heard back from the psychologist and we have an appointment on February 3rd.
Adelaide
December 15, 2020
I got a call back for a job today! I’ll be working part-time at a local school next year! I’m so excited! Doug also started at a new job this week with a friend of ours! I’m wary about him working for a friend but this job is a dream come true for him so I’m hopeful.
Adelaide
December 25, 2020
I can’t believe it but we’ve actually had a semi-normal Christmas despite everything. We spent Christmas Eve with Douglas’s family, and Christmas Day with mine and it was actually really great. Victoria, my sister not the state, has started calling Remy “Vizzini” after the guy from Princess Bride after I made one joke about him pulling an “Inconceivable!” face. We also had a video call with Dad and Byron (my brother), so that was really nice. And yes, my mother took her homesickness for Australia out on her children by naming us all after places in Australia. Of course, she couldn’t have given me something more normal like Alice or Katherine. Still Australian, but less…obvious.
I wasn’t expecting to have such a pleasant week after having such an awful Sabbath last Sunday. One of the brethren, an older, very traditional man, decided to speak from the pulpit about the birth of Christ. I don’t mean the event or the metaphor or the meaning behind it or the prophesies of it. No, the literal act of birthing Jesus Christ. He went into excruciating detail describing a modern-day birth in a hospital to compare it to, too. I didn’t last more than two minutes before I stormed out of the chapel. Thankful for the Australian Summer, I went over toward the grass. I had to brace myself against a chapel wall outside as I started crying and hyperventilating as the post-traumatic stress hit me like a ton of bricks. I tried to think of the grounding techniques I’d learned to control it, but instead of repeating the 20 digits of pi that I had memorised I could only get to 3.14159. I had to try to others and eventually made my way to lay on the grass to literally connect myself to the ground. I heard a voice call my name. I wasn’t sure who it was so I waved. They came over. My eyes were still closed. They asked if I was okay. For the first time all year someone actually asked me if I was OKAY?! No. I wasn’t. I hadn’t been for so very long. I just shook my head. Whoever it was new exactly what was going on. She told me about all her trauma birthing her 5 children and the countless miscarriages. Finally someone was seeing me. I cried so much and in front of so many people that day. I thought surely this will be what helps people see that I need help and support. It’s been four days and so far the woman who found me is the only one.
Adelaide
January 31, 2021
We survived. Our Pandemic Baby turns one year old today. We had a party for him yesterday. Let me tell you we were on eggshells all week waiting to see if we’d have to cancel the party due to COVID or not, but we just made it. Remy is one and he still hasn’t had his baby blessing because we thought Doug would have his blessings back by now and it’s really important to him that he give the blessing so we continue to wait.
Adelaide
February 5, 2021
I started at work last week and I just love it. It’s such a great team and the kids are difficult but sweet and generally they like me! I also started with my psychologist this week and I’ve already learned something from her. I told her my birth story and she told me that I completely shut off emotionally when I tell it. I had no idea that I was doing that until she said so. I went home and told Douglas and he just nodded and confirmed that I do, in fact, shut off. So that’s a thing.
Adelaide
July 17, 2021
It’s been awhile again. I know. Nothing’s really changed. Douglas still doesn’t have his priesthood. We’ve had two lockdowns in the last few months. Remy and I are mountains better though. That psychologist helped me come to terms with the fact that I was in survival mode after Remy’s birth and to forgive myself for my mistakes. Well actually because of the work I’ve put in with her, there’s actually some pretty big news. We’re having another baby! Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with not feeling Christ’s Love, but I’ve found closure on other things, so I guess the cycle continues…
Adelaide
Marie C. is mother to one human (soon to be two), two felines, and a husband, living in Gippsland, Australia. She does aerial fitness in her spare time and has picked up Bullet Journaling as a COVID hobby. She hopes to become a teacher sometime this century and maybe publish a book if she ever finds the time. Her favourite colour is purple and one of her many obsessions is Doctor Who.
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